“Be polite,” you whisper when the strange man on the street approaches and compliments her hair. 

“Just take it,” you warn when the grocery clerk pushes an unwanted sticker into her withdrawn hand. 

In the interest of being a “good” parent, we routinely find ourselves mannering, correcting, and “etiquetting” (yes, I made that word up!) our daughters into culturally-expected submission. 

Even when it feels icky.

We’re a society of well-behaved women raising well-behaved girls.

But why?

Are we worried about offending other people? Other parents?

Maybe we’re just raising our kids the way we were raised.

I would argue it is a little more subtle —and insidious—than that. 

The longer I’m a parent, the more I recognize my own unintended attempts to mold my daughter to fit within the societal box that has been created for her and I. 

A box that keeps us small, malleable, and manageable.

Sometimes I do this out of fear of judgment. 

Sometimes I rationalize it as a way to keep her safe. 

But mostly, I’m ashamed to say, it’s just… easier. Easier than explaining the difference between being polite versus being pleasant for the sake of other people’s comfort. 

But in parenting this way, we rob our daughters of opportunities to hone their intuition and develop self-trust, self-reliance, and self-advocacy.  

Want to raise a daughter who doesn’t automatically do the expected thing—but instead does the right thing for her? And in turn, helps pave the way for a safer, more female-friendly world for all women?

Me too.

So, what do savvy moms teach their daughters that well-behaved mom’s don’t? 

As a child mental health professional and coach to families of children with disabilities, these are the three non-negotiables rules I teach my own daughter:

#1: Self-trust. 

You can always change your mind. 

About your job, romantic partner, or even just your hair color. Nothing is permanent. 

And while this sparks fear and anxiety in many people, it is actually a chance to take risks and move forward. 

Unfortunately, society tells us that changing our mind this way is synonymous with quitting…and quitting is failing. That if you commit to something, you must stick it out. Even if you’re suffering. 

But to what end? For what purpose? 

My daughter recently came home from a late summer chess class stating firmly that chess club is NOT for her and she doesn’t want to continue.

Did I push her to continue? No. 

(Though I did ask a few probing questions to determine if anything concerning had happened. It hadn’t.)

She gets to decide if she’s going to view quitting as failing OR if she’s going to chalk it up to a learning experience – an opportunity to try something new and different. 

Change is a double-edged sword that cuts both ways. I want my daughter to sharpen her skills on the right side.

#2: Self-reliance. 

You can always begin again. 

No matter what anyone says about your “permanent record” (insert eye roll here), you can take as many opportunities as you need to get something right, for as long and often as you want to try. 

That’s right. I said it. Endless opportunities to do better. 

I can’t count the number of times I have pivoted in my career. Sometime by choice and sometimes by necessity. 

Have I been successful each time? No. I’ve failed far more than I’ve succeeded. That’s how I know I’m doing it right. 

And that’s the exampIe I model for my daughter.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a toddler trying to color within the lines, a young adult pursuing a dream, or a grown-ass woman fighting a life-long chemical addiction. We must believe we can try again. 

Not for self-improvement—but for self-empowerment. 

Otherwise, we lose hope. And hope is a powerful contributor to one’s success (Day, Hanson, Maltby, Proctor & Wood, 2010). Without hope, there is no motivation. 

And I want my child to always have a reason to get up in the morning and begin again. 

#3: Self-advocacy.

You can always leave. 

Before my 9-year-old daughter attended her first sleepover last year, I assured her that she could come home at any time, for any reason. I made sure she knew that even if she needed to wake up her friend’s parents in the middle of the night, that I would come and get her. No questions asked. Even if the adult discouraged her and warned that it would wake me up, I encouraged her to hold her ground. 

She has never used that out. But she knows she can. 

If she’s ever in a position that is dangerous or gives her any reason at all to question, I want her to know that it is okay to leave despite any awkwardness or discomfort she might be feeling. In fact, I hope she leaves because of those feelings.

Teaching our daughters these three rules gives them tools to trust themselves, regardless of society’s rules for them.

Embedding these habits when they are young will result in teens and young adult women who are happy, healthy and able to lead future generations of women into a more equitable world. 

After all, “Well-behaved women rarely make history.”

– Laurel Thatcher Ulrich